The "Fuck You, Universe" Moments

The info comes in, the words are heard and as they process, it is like every fiber of your being is tense and throbbing and fire rips through your belly. . .I am pretty sure everyone has a few of these moments in their lives. When the news you are hearing, can't integrate into the world you know without breaking a part of you.


And in my experience it is grief that has this power more than any other human experience. It is when we lose something that we can't imagine living without and it is brutal.


And grief is not always loss of a loved one, although it often is. Grief can be the loss of a bond, of a dream, of an opportunity, of a maybe. . . it can be sudden or it can be there building over time without us even knowing that the pressure has built.


And in that pure, first awareness moments of grief, all I can think is FUCK YOU UNIVERSE! Sometimes it is just a moment, sometimes hours or days, before our rational human survival mode steps in and we begin to live again in this new integrated world where despite it being impossible just a minute before, it now is.


But I think we need that FUCK YOU Universe time, I think when we explode, when we scream, when we fall in despair hopeless and helpless. . .I think that makes space in our being for the impossible, for the living with the grief.


Because grief is not something that goes away, it is not something that fades away to nothing, it's something that we live with and grow with. It is something that reinforces our senses so that we remember with our whole being; it is something that reminds us of our strength as we feel weak; and it is something that we can't escape.


And the universe isn't angry when you scream and swear and curse it. . .The universe knows that it is asking the impossible of you and that you will step up and continue your path with this new tear in your fabric and space to grow into the next version of yourself.